There’s a new page in the blog, 2015 project. Like many people, I’m always excited about the new year! I love the empty calendar, the possibilities the year might posses, the freshness.
I also tend to look, at least briefly, back on the year past us. Last year we will remember as a time of perseverance. We didn’t experience huge losses, like we did in 2013, it was more of a case of slow, dull downhill. There were plenty of good moments, but we worked too hard and didn’t have the energy to enjoy. We all grew tired and didn’t always see things clearly.
I wanted to give up. Several times I wanted to quit, leave the mountain, put the lights off, and run away.
I had reason, too. I wasn’t coming to conclusions hastily. Our business depends on good weather, we had very little of that last year. All in all, financially this is very challenging. For kids there are no kindergartens here. Good schools are all the way in Sarajevo, and they are expensive. I have almost zero possibility of continuing my professional career (as a producer). I feel too dependent on my husband, much more than I ever did back in Ljubljana. I don’t feel as safe and as comfortable here as I did in Ljubljana. And I miss my friends!
But. Looking back on 2014 I see that we accomplished most of what I planned to: I have read, written, and worked, I’ve really found space to be me again. That feels so good! We have rewilded as a family and I see us settling on the mountain. We’ve made huge progress, and I’ve grown more patient.
I see myself questioning my own standards. What do I really want? What level of comfort, or safety do I really need, in my heart, to feel content? By safety I mean something unexplainable, everything is safe around here, it’s more of a matter of not knowing, being unsure.
This here is wild. Our village is quiet and peaceful, but we live on a mountain, in complete wilderness, which is unpredictable and wild by nature. It’s not always safe in the ways I used to know, but does it need to be? (Bosnia as a country or a state is another matter, it might feel unsettling for me forever, I cannot escape the fact that I come from Finland, after all.)
Without forcing, or much even giving it a thought, the downsides and difficulties we’ve had are turning into strengths. We are finding more like-minded people around us. Or actually, people are finding us. Small miracles happen more and more. Pieces in our puzzle find their places as if by magic. Some questions take surprisingly long to be answered, but they do, in the end, they do.
So I’ve decided to keep on wondering, asking, throwing ideas in the air, and see what comes of it. I’ll tell you more about it, real soon!